I failed - Feb. 19th

WC: 11436

We could excuse the fact that I've been pretty much failing at my plan to write two blog posts on here a week to catalog my semester of writing/revising my book, but let's be real, that's not fun.

Or, maybe it is, for you. But, it isn't for me.

Instead, I want to look back at why I wasn't able to keep up with this, and that in of itself, will be a catalogue of my writing semester.

So, why did I miss three posts? It's really simple: time.

With my six classes and various projects, as previously defined in the last post I wrote 14 days ago, I ran out of time.

This isn't to say that I spent my time wisely, like working on this blog or getting ahead in my course work. Instead I did things like some homework, some getting ahead, some doing work, and others finishing Reign, because I had to know how TF that ended. ( I have many feelings about the ending ).

But, I also gave myself time to read for pleasure, most nights before bed, which is typically my homework time. And, slowly, my 6 am writing for two hours ritual, fell out of place, and I found myself unable to get up in the morning.

Here's the thing. I love writing. I love being busy. I also like forcing myself to take time for myself, even if binge watching slowly makes me regret everything as the weight of all that I must and have yet to do bares down on my chest.

But, I do have panic disorder. Which means that depression is always lingering around, somewhere in my being, although it feels like its either over my head, or beside it, sometimes in my blind spot.

Depression struck me last week, and I couldn't do much at all.

But, I did write.

I just didn't write this blog, and I didn't write my book. Instead, I wrote a Creative Non Fiction lyric essay about living with anxiety, and about the melancholia that hits.

I wrote it over the past two weeks, slowly, and then all at once.

And then, my Prof would be so proud of me, I took time to edit it. Its not long, a three page piece, but I read it over and over and I had a thesaurus out, and I really edited it. I spent time with it and decided what I liked about it and what I didn't.

I didn't change much of it, because this was written slowly, and was written from my heart and my gut that had been feeling wrenched and guilty for something that was a part of me. 

I try not to feel guilty about these things, but sometimes I do, and that's just a matter of life. It's also a matter of life that we won't always complete everything we set out to in the time that we want to. But, that's one thing that I'm learning too. I have to be not only okay with failure, but learn to celebrate it, and take it in stride.

My two weeks away from this blog weren't for nothing. I wrote, and I grew, and I learned. There was a purpose, so while I did fail my own rules, I did learn something. So, maybe I succeeded after all.

Rules were meant to be broken anyways, right?